A few weeks ago I posted a blog on letting go, in it I mentioned the people who keep going and don’t give up. I gave

this chapter is not over, this book is not finished

in, gave up.

Or at least I thought I did.

He began going out with some one else and I was happy I finally knew what was going on, I knew where I stood. But I found myself waiting. Deep inside I was waiting for them to fall so I could finish what I had started. Looking at them you could see they weren’t made in heaven and sure enough a week or so later they split because it wasn’t working. Now during all this time I had been ignoring him like he wasn’t there to let him know I was upset with him. Then on Friday (10th December) we spoke and I agreed to talk to him again. Deep down I saw a chance for another attempt at catching his heart.
Today (13 December) I saw a friend of mine flirting outrageously with him. Now I don’t know how he feels about her, but I broke down. There and then I broke down in front of everyone. I didn’t want to hurt like before but I didn’t want to be alone and I didn’t want to give up. Then later when I had calmed down I realized I also didn’t want to lose him and I didn’t want to give up on something I knew was worth it. Now I don’t know how you feel about horoscopes and the like, but I just read mine for the fun of it and yesterdays (12 December)  said;

You look set to enjoy a very good run up to Christmas. It should include strife, stress, hassle, hardship, confusion, conflict, frustration and exhaustion. So, er, what’s good about it? Well, it is also, eventually, going to bring you something that you very much want and need. Once you get to the reward, you will consider all the rest to have been a perfectly fair price to pay. It won’t necessarily seem that way, though, while you are in the mix of the madness. Really, then, you had better have a little faith. Trust the decisions that you have made in the recent past. No matter how many reasons you can see to question these, stick with them – and don’t worry. ~from http://www.cainer.com/~

All the time this was running through my head, and this is what I have to say to anyone who decides to stick the storm through or to try again: believe in yourself. I can’t guarantee a happy ending because I haven’t got to the end to tell you what’s on the other side of the fence, I’m still fighting for an ending because no matter how we suppress our feelings we can’t turn love on and off, we can’t choose where when and most definitely not who we love. We just do. So stick it through because otherwise we will never be free from it and in several years when the storm has passed we will always be asking ourselves what life could have been like if we had stuck to it. As Paulo Coelho says in his book The Alchemist(and author and book I would strongly recommend);

“My heart is a traitor,” the boy said to the alchemist, when they had paused to rest the horses. “It doesn’t want me to go on.”

“That makes sense,” the alchemist answered. “Naturally it’s afraid that in pursuing your dream, you might lose everything you’ve won.”

“Well then, why should I listen to my heart?”

“Because you will never again be able to keep it quiet. Even if you pretend not to have heard what it tells you, it will always be there inside you, repeating to you what you’re thinking about life and about the world….tell your heart that the fear of suffering is worse than the suffering itself. And that no heart has ever suffered when it goes in search of its dreams, because every second is a second’s encounter with eternity.”

I will never stop loving him until the time comes for us to part, and I can choose to be with or without him. The time to part may come in a year, a decade or in death itself, this chapter is not finished, this book is unread and no matter how I trip, fall, breakdown and get up again, this will not be over until an equilibrium is regained, I’m searching for an ending and I personally would prefer a happy ending, so my advice is to fight on until you fight the end, and there at the oasis you can rest, there you can look back and you will see that everything you have been through is for a reason and that it was all worth it in the end, because it always is…just trust the calling.

Down at the funfair, in simpler times, there would be a tall pole with a bell at the top. Down at the base, a man would stand with a big hammer, inviting members of the public to try their strength. People would queue for their chance to have such fun. Yet actually, here in the post-modern 21st century, we’re all still just as fond of trying our strength. We do it every day whenever we encounter situations that seem be bigger than us. This week’s challenge is not easy. But you are rising to it wonderfully. ~http://www.cainer.com/ ~ (Gemini horoscope for 13/12/10)

“Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising up every time we fail.”

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

“When you feel like giving up, remember why you held on for so long in the first place.”

~ Unknown

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